So Quick to Judge!!

Why are we as humans so quick to judge? As if we do not have enough on our plates to worry about, now we have to worry about what people are thinking of us in the wake of Ryann’s death. I seriously feel as though I can not talk about my feelings because people are so quick to judge. If we smile, it is horrible because we should be sad…If we are sad, we should get over it because it has been 8 months…if we want another baby, we should be ashamed and never think we can replace her. Everyone is so quick to judge and I know I have not only been the victim, but guilty of it as well.

Before this tragedy in our family, I would have NEVER cared what people thought of me, life is too short to please everyone. But now, what has changed?? Is it the fact that you seem you could get no more cold hearted than to forget about a loved one that is gone? Is it the fact that NOBODY truly knows how you feel or how you should go on, including yourself? Do you fear that what people say, others might actually believe? Or is it simply just frustrating that most don’t understand and a piece of you wants them to, but then you think how terrible it is that any part of you would want somebody else to go through the same thing? I think it comes down to mixed emotions about everything in your life at this point.

I try to tell myself over and over again, as long as the words “she is a bad mom” does not come out of the mouth of others, that should be all I care about. In the end, that is all that really matters isn’t it? It is not affecting anyone else, if I am judged on how much I smile, laugh, cry, expand my family, think about lost ones, or even leave the house. All that anyone really needs to know about me is I am deeply in love with my daughters, my husband, and the rest of my family. I am an open book when it comes to my feelings (sometimes a little too much, SORRY), especially when it comes to Ryann.

Life after a loss is a confusing thing for everybody, you’re not sure what to say and I am not sure what you want to hear. I have re-focused and have been given a new outlook on life. I am officially turning judgment into laughter and staying true to myself and my family and no longer judging others for their actions (that does not mean I will not tell you my opinion, sorry still working on that one).

Ryann, oh my sweet baby girl you have changed my life!! You have given me a deeper relationship with God and a better understanding of how he works. You have brought me new friends and made my relationships with old ones stronger. You have made me stronger, my skin thicker, and opened my eyes. Most of all you remind me everyday not to take a single thing for granted. My loss of you has made me think about loosing others and how much some people really mean to me. I miss you everyday I wake up, I kiss your sister, I look at your pictures, and I look into your Dad’s eyes (which I have not got to see for two weeks) and I wish you were here with me.

We celebrated Uncle Clint’s 40th birthday last week and we all wished you could have been there to celebrate with us. Although you are not here for me to hold while we celebrate these milestones in our lives, we know you are looking over us. So, as we celebrate more birthdays and our special friends getting married, start new school years, and the birth of your new cousin we want you here with us!! WE LOVE YOU!!

The Start to Blogging Therapy

Well tomorrow marks the 8 month marker since my baby girl Ryann was born. I started a caringbridge page for her while I was pregnant to keep everyone updated on how the pregnancy was going since she was diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH). This site became an outlet for me to write about her and also our families feelings and what we were going through. I am starting this blog to further share our feelings and how we are dealing with the loss of her. This is an outlet for me to share our experience and hopefully encourage others dealing with a loss or even a rough time in their life. It takes courage, strength, family, friends, and hope to go on in different times of our lives and I hope by sharing our story, we can give others the hope they need to go on.

I was so happy to find out in May of 08 that we were expecting after a year of trying and heartbreak. It was Sept of 08 that we were devastated to get the news that our baby had a birth defect called congenital diaphragmatic hernia. We endured lots of hospital visits and checkups after that to only find out that she had a pretty severe case missing her entire left side of her diaphragm. Other than the CDH, she was perfect in so many ways. I went into labor with her on Dec 27th 08 and she was born at 5:23 p.m.. She was taken by St. Louis Children's Hospital transport team after two hours of stabilizing her. Within 7 hours of her birth, she was put on ECMO (extracorporeal membrane oxygenation), which gave her tiny lungs a break and gave her life for 9 days. On the ninth day of her life, it was discovered that because of the drug heparin she had to be on while on ECMO, she had a large brain bleed. She was immediately taken off of ECMO and passed away within an hour.

I can honestly say although I had thought I had prepared myself for the worst, I had not!! As a mom all I wanted to do was protect my newborn baby that I had just carried inside of me for 9 months, but the selfish side of wanting her with me so badly also wanted to do everything in my power to keep her alive in spite of her health. I watched as my 5lb 10oz beautiful baby girl was given several shots to keep her heart going and given repeated chest compressions when finally we had to say NO MORE. A decision I would have never thought I would be making of one of my children and now hope that nobody that I know ever has to do. I have loved, laughed, cried, and endured heartbreak before, but THIS.....I have never done.

Take this journey with me as I post about our lives and what we are doing in survival mode. How much family means to us and how we will still love, laugh, cry, and endure heartbreak in spite of a tragedy.